Edward Elric, Live and Uncensored
by Bethany-Hime
Summary: What does Edo-kun do for fun? He holds his own call-in show, of course! With the help of his plush toys… err friends I mean, Ed will answer anything and everything you wish to know. Best of all, it’s live! That’s right, no censoring, no bleeps or blur


I was bored and this idea popped into my head and I figured, "Why not?". This story won't be anything serious, short chapters, total insanity, and Edward Elric! Because he's too hot.

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Full Summary:

What does Edo-kun do for fun? He holds his own call-in show, of course! With the help of his plush toys… err friends I mean, Ed will answer anything and everything you wish to know. Best of all, it's live! That's right, no censoring, no bleeps or blurs. Call in with your question now! Lines are always open!

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"Welcome to Edward Elric, live and un-censored!" Edward said cheerfully as the screen faded from black. "This is the show where YOU, the viewer, get to call in a have a chat with your favorite alchemist! I'd like to introduce to my lovely assistants, Winry, Roy, and Hughes!" he said, pointing to three chairs next to him.

In each chair sat a nine inch chibi plushie, the first of Winry in her usual black tube tube top outfit, bandana and all. The second was an adorable re-creation of Maes Hughes, clad in his pink pajamas, yellow duckies and all. The third was particularly interesting, Roy Mustang wearing… a pink tutu! Complete with ballerina slippers, pink ribbons, and Roy's snazzy white gloves.

"Alright, let's start then, shall we?" Ed suggested, overly optimistic. "Caller number one, you're on the air."

"Hello, am I really on Edward's show?" came a timid voice on the other end of the line.

"Yep, sure are. Was there something you wanted to ask?"

"Yes, well first I'd just like to say that I really love your show and think you're a really great guy, though I'm not one of those over-hormonal fan girls who wants to molest you. I'm just your typical 15 year old girl with an inferiority complex and multiple personality disorder. My name is Ciana, by the way."

"Great… so are you gonna ask me something or what?"

"Oh right, sorry. I just wanted to ask yo- HOW OFTEN DO YOU JERK YOURSELF OFF!" the girl said, he voice changing from shy and timid to loud and aggressive.

"…umm…" Ed was wide-eyed and speechless, blushing bright red.

"Oh I'm SO sorry! That was my other side, Auburn… she tends to get a little hyper sometimes." Ciana said, once again quiet and gentle.

Ed's eyebrow twitched, not sure whether he should continue the conversation or call the authorities. "Okay, so you were saying?" he said, trying to be polite.

"Right, anyway, I just wanted to know what your favorite SEXUAL POSITION IS! PERSONALLY I LIKE IT DOGGY-STYLE, BUT I HEARD YOU WERE GAY! IS THAT TRUE? MY FRIENDS THINK YOU'RE BI!"

Silence ensued for a moment, nothing could be through the whole audience.

Finally 'Roy' got the courage to break the silence.

"Edward is one hundred percent straight… no matter how many times I've tried advancing on him he always rejects me. That little bastard. That little sexy bastard. Damn, being a cross-dressing gay man I find Ed extremely attractive. One of these I'm going to rape that hot little pipsqueak."

Ed threw the plushie back in it's seat and jumped back into his own seat, his face filled with disgust. "That is wrong on SO many levels! You sick pervert! And I am NOT a pipsqueak! …At least you finally came out of the closet, but here? C'mon, have some decency for cryin out loud. Though I must admit, I am one sexy beast." Ed replied smugly.

"Umm… I'm still on the line." came Ciana's voice again.

"Okay, whatever, buh-bye." Ed said as he looked into a mirror and adjusted his hair antenna. "Anyway, let's read a letter out of my fan mail box." Ed said, reaching around behind his chair.

He picked up a large plastic box that read "Property of the United States Postal Service" on the side of it, scribbled out in pink marker. He reached his arm in a felt around, finally picking one and inspecting the envelope. It was off-white with messy blue ink and about a dozen 'two cent' stamps fixed on the front.

"Dear Ed," he started, reading aloud, "My name is Mary Jean Sue and I'm from Alabama. I just wanted to say that I love your show, especially when you run around outside of your stable. My poppy says they stick peanut butter in your mouth and then have a man speechify to make it look you're talking, but I told him he was wrong. You can talk, right? I'd ask one of my asses, but they's just uneducated mules.

Truly Yours, Mary Jean Sue

P.S. If we should ever meet, I wanna brush your silky mane and go for a ride on your back."

"Huh?" Ed asked, confused. It took him a minute to register what he'd just read.

He disappeared behind Hughes' chair and grabbed the pajama wearing pluhie, doing to the best impression of Maes he could. "Sorry, I think you're looking for MISTER ED. The talking head. Not Edward Elric. But while you're watching, take a look at my little daughter! Isn't she like an angel? You know you wanna meet her! You shou-"

"Shut up Hughes." The Roy plush interrupted.

"Well sorry, mister I'm-a-gay-crossdresser-and-I-have-the-hots-for-a-blonde-kid-who's-half-my-age." Hughes bit back.

"Boys boys boys! Be nice! We just have to accept the fact that Roy is gay and Maes is a loser, I mean loving father." 'Winry' said, trying to break up the argument.

"That's all for today! Bye!" Ed said as he jumped on top of the plushies and tried to break up the fight. Before the camera faded away Roy pulled off Ed's shirt, revealing his finely toned chest ((shut up, I'm a hyper fangirl)), though poor mini-Roy couldn't manage to undo Edo-kun's leather pants. While Roy attempted molest Ed, the Winry and Hughes sat lifelessly on their chairs. Suddenly mini-Winry sat up, and Hughes did the same. ((Think Toy Story!))

"I'm bored" Wintry whined.

"Me too. Wanna make out?"

"Sure." She replied, jumping on top of Hughes. Little did they realize the camera was still filming….

THE END!

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That was the most insane thing I've ever written. In case that last part confused you, during the whole show the plushies were just being moved by Ed, and he was mimicking their voices. Then in that last scene with Winry and Hughes, the plushies actually came to life without anyone moving them. They must be possessed! LYK ONG!

If you'd like to, in your review include a phone call idea or a letter (you can sign it as yourself or whatever X3) It would be really helpful!


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